on edge.

so a friend of mine is back.
well not like she was gone for a long time.
we had a falling out about a month ago,
but i ran into her last night and it was just like old times...
which kind of scares me.
we just lead two very different lifestyles.
with her its just so easy to get caught up and forget about my morals and priorities.
at first the lifestyle was so glamorous.
shes a playmate so money's never an issue.
we can always get in anywhere we want.
VIP, the whole nine yards.
but the lifestyle that comes along with it is completely insane.
the partying, the drugs,the sex,the every nights a party thing.
after awhile it can be so draining.
you dont know who you can trust.
who's real, who's fake.
its just a lifestyle im not used to.
and i dont know if i want to get used to it.
i mean its fun now, but theres no long term in it.
i dont still wanna be doing that five years from now.
i want to be done with school and starting a career.
i dont know.
i just need to set boundaries and stick to my guns this time around.
i mean ill still hang out but no more binge weeks of partying hard.
im over it.

"God determines who walks into your life.. it's up
to you to decide who you're letting to walk away, who
you're letting to stay, & who you refuse to let go."

p.s. i love this tattoo!

what.a.weekend.

so i went to the autumnfest yesterday.
its like the ultra international musicfest in miami,
but smaller and right here up the block from me.
so me and steph went.
at first we met up with sean, audrey, adalis, mike, and caesar.
the first hour was so much fun.
the place was completely insane.
look.


it started off an awesome time and ended really badly.
everyone besides steph and I were on E.
they had been there all day so by the time steph and i got there
they were all freakin the heck out.
the good news is that mike and i hugged it out.
i told him that we need to just squash shit because we have the same friends
and are going to continue to be around each other.
(mike is my ex more or less. we just broke up a couple of months ago. it was not amicable.
but im over it so its all good.).
by the time tiffany came to meet up with us everyone we were with was leaving.
and then when we decided to leave we got caught on a ramp with people going in
both directions and noone was able to move.
so everyone in the crowd started freaking out and pushing us along.
it was scary as hell.
i was yelling and cursing.
stephanie was crying.
it was really intense.
by the time we got out we were so run down and drained and it wasnt even
nine o clock at night yet.
me and steph went and got food and went home.
i ended up going home going to bed then waking up and meeting up with a friend.
i slept there and went to work this morning.
after work steph came and picked me up and we went to get pizza.
then we went to borders and hung out there.
ended up at the park behind wild east with alex just catching up.
til some creep with childrens shoes in his hands came up and approached us.
that was the end of our night.
lol.
good times.
all in all it was an interesting weekend...
hopefully it will be a good week.
ciao!

"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time.
There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them."

lalalalala.

went out after work with Alex last night.
it was such a good time.
we try and get together at least one night a week.
we have a couple of drinks and catch up.
we met up with our friends bonnie and Leanne.
we ended up at Alex's new job.
its an Asian bistro on the water.
they just started having a DJ there on Thursday nights.
it was very low key and chill.
a much needed good time for all of us.
you cant beat that.
good drinks and good company...

recently I've been feeling like i can accomplish anything.
i feel like the opportunities are endless.
its such a good feeling.
to know im young and have my whole life ahead of me!
i love the fact that majority of the people closest to me are feeling the same way.
they are doing something with themselves and loving life.
it just inspires me and encourages me to do the same.
i want more out of life than ive been getting and im ready to do something about it!
the quote below inspires me everyday.

"You are where you are right now in your life because
of the choices you have made and the actions you have
taken. If you want to change your life,
remember that change starts with you."
- Jeffrey Keller

i went to small group this morning for the first time in two months.
im really glad i went.
the women there inspire me.
each in there own way.
i love heather.
shes such a role model and a really good mentor.
shes going to help me try and get involved with an organization that deals with women.
she was telling me how she used to travel and
meet with different womens groups and discuss different topics.
it made me so excited because thats what i want to do.
i want to get paid to meet people, talk, and get them thinking.
ive been so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life:)

praying its just not a phase.

the past couple of weeks ive felt this desire, this drive,
this constant persistence to do something more with my life.
this past year has been one crazy ride.
ive done nothing but party.
i dont regret it.
i mean thats what i needed to do for myself.
i needed to try things and get out there and do all the things i was told not to.
the sex.the pills.the drugs.the alcohol.
all of it.
i feel like ive learned alot in the past year.
i mean dont get me wrong
i know i still have alot of learning and growing to do,
But i feel like this past year alone ive learned so much.
im just praying this new me isnt a phase.
i hope i really am growing and changing and maturing.
i hope i stay passionate about school this time around.
i hope im honestly over the whole scene of going out all the time.
part of me just wants to be a homebody and do everyday normal things.
dont get me wrong, ill still go out.
just not five days a week.
i wont let it consume me anymore.
for the first time in a long time,
im thinking about life in the sense of long term goals and desires.
i feel like all of the partying is fleeting happiness.
im looking for that long term sense of joy.
for that sense of peace.

thoughts seeping out of my brain.

ive been on the computer for the past couple of hours.
ive got an obsession with quotes.
heres a few that stuck with me.

Be the person you would be proud of.

If you want what you have never had, you have to do what you have never done.

Being happy takes practice!

Put a grain of boldness into everything you do.

Your doubts are not as powerful as your desires, unless you make it so.

im tired.
ill blog more tomorrow.
ciao.

p.s.
i love this picture.

sick and tired.

my body is so worn down right now.
ive got the flu.
and my period.
of course.
whats one without the other right?
at least im gettin it over and done with.
i think getting sick once a year is good for the body.
i feel like your body comes back a hundred times stronger and ready to kick some serious ass!
so this weekend was one of my best friends boyfriends birthdays.
it was such a good time.
we went to this new surfer bar and had drinks and food there for dirt cheap.
then headed to delray beach to listen to a friend of theres dj ninetys music.
tons of fun.
for some reason the pictures i posted of that night are above my post instead of in the middle of it.
i wish i could figure this blogger site out already.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Back for the first time.

wow...
i havent kept a blog in what feels like ages.
it feels so good to be back online, getting all of my thoughts out.
this is my first time using blogspot though.
i dont really know where to start...
this is my first full year living out here in south florida.
ive been back and forth between here, new jersey, and philadelphia for the past four years.
i'll be twewnty two december 14th.
i still havent decided what i want to do for my birthday...maybe go back to philadelphia for a visit?
i doubt anyone will read this...
it will take me awhile to get into the swing of things but once i do i promise it will be worth reading.
hahaha.
im currently working full time at a restaurant on the beach.
its so hard to complain when im there...
not with the beautiful ocean right next to me.
i party too much and too hard.
i made a vow that once i turn 22 ill calm down and finally get my life together.
im going back to college in january.
getting my degree in broadcasting journalism.
ive got a great family.
ive been blessed with the most amazing friends in the world.
most people say that but i really do mean it.
im a very honest person.
almost to a fault.
i like everyone until they give me a reason not to.
i live breathe and sweat music.
i listen to everything. from kanye west to maroon 5, to death cab to nine inch nails, to tegan and sara to metric.
its my life.
im currently not in a relationship.
thank God. lol.
im not one of those bitter individuals.
im just so focused on having fun right now.
i mean if i meet an amazing guy i wont pass up the oppurtunity, but i'm not going out looking for it.
i feel like i have tons of living to do before i can settle down.
well i could go on and on but i should start getting ready for work.
ciao!

"and even though,
the last hello,
has left me on the floor,
i dont believe in romeos and heroes anymore..."
~anonymous.